My Soft Spot, And Homeschooling.

i'm really trying to process how to write this particular post.  i've been starring at a blank screen with my thoughts flooding faster than i can type.  i promised i wasn't going to write about this because of various reasons.  but, i have to.  as in, if i don't...i might explode.

i am going to intimately expose a very sacred place of my heart.  a place that only my children are able to enter.  it's the mightiest place inside of me that carries strength of a lion.  and it was birthed through the burden i carried for my son when he turned two-years-old, and maybe even a little before then.

as a first time mom, you are told not to compare.  that each child develops at their own pace, and things of that nature.  and i tried.  i tried like hell not to compare.  but when he was two-years-old, and not saying a word, i worried.  especially when all my friends' two-year-olds were starting to form cute little sentences.  and these sweet mommy's would pridefully (and i certainly don't blame them) share them with me.  i really tried to be excited for my friends, and i genuinely was.  but every time i heard something their child said, i would be crushed.  tearfully and painfully crushed.  it would send me straight to the google search engine where i would spend my nights comparing my brains out.

i was obsessed.

i would go up to any mom at a park and purposefully strike up a conversation.  i would order my questions to lead to my main point.  speech.  i wanted to know where their child was in comparison to mine.  i would gravitate toward this topic...daily.  it was the beginning of a journey that i desperately needed to go on.  a life lesson was about to change the way i parent my children.

it was starting to negatively affect me.  it was interrupting the most precious source of fuel...my sleep.  nathan's speech wasn't the only area that concerned me.  he seemed to be super sensitive to certain things.  he wouldn't walk on grass unless his shoes were on.  he didn't really enjoy the beach due to the texture of the sand.  and in my many nights of google searches, those two symptoms placed my first born on the autism spectrum.  i was sure he wasn't...but google said so.  and google can shove it!!

in the meantime, i had already scheduled to get him evaluated to qualify for speech therapy.  and in the process, they had to do a full evaluation which would conclude if he was, in fact, on the autism spectrum.  he would also have blood-curling fits, which was another red flag...via stupid google.  and i knew he was just struggling to communicate to the point of utter frustration.  my heart broke daily watching him fight this battle.

i believe that the good Lord gently placed the most generous dose of patience in my heart during this season.  i was so calm when dealing with his outbursts.  in my heart, i knew my baby wasn't being a brat...he was working harder than anyone i'd ever seen to talk to me.  since he couldn't, he would flip out instead.  i would just hold him tighter in those moments.  he felt loved and that gave him confidence.  he and i had our own little language and i understood him when nobody else could.

i would lay in my bed with my eyes wide open, for hours, and wonder what if.  what if he never talks?  what if they diagnose him with autism?  what will that mean?  what if he never has a girlfriend...or a job...or a normal conversation?  what if, what if, what if.  it was gut-wrenching.

i would secretly google because the husband saw that it was starting to get to me and made me promise that i would stop.  well i didn't.  and i should have.  but some lessons are meant to be learned the hard way.

then the day arrived.  evaluation day.  they tested my boy in all the developmental areas.  i just sat back, on the edge of my seat, wondering the whole time if he was passing.  then, the moment that i had been anticipating had arrived.  the diagnosis was in.

and no, he wasn't on the autism spectrum.  however, he was diagnosed with a severe speech delay and they referred us to a speech therapist.  i was so excited to finally get him some help.  i was overly eager to learn how i could do my part, at home, in habilitating his speech.  i was given so many great tools and activities to help manipulate this process.  i would contact anyone i personally knew in the field and pick their brains on this matter.

we worked around the clock.  he had no clue we were trying to achieve words...all the activities were fun for him.  however, i knew what we were trying to achieve.  some days i just wanted to not focus on speech and just relax.  but, i couldn't.

you would think that hearing that he wasn't on the spectrum would give me this blanket of peace that my heart had been longing for.  well, it didn't.  i still wanted to understand why he wasn't talking.  and at this point, he was inching closer to age three.  i was still concerned.   but, by this point, i had stopped with the google crap.

and slowly, he started to communicate.

then came a turning point.  this burden had become so heavy that i humanly couldn't bare it for another second.  i needed freedom from this worry.  it was always lurking.  i hated it.  it wasn't until i honestly believe that i heard from GOD.  and no, he didn't write it out in the sand while i was at the beach, nor did i hear voices in my head.  i turned to a scripture that i've always knew but never really had to put into practice like i did that day.

matthew 11:28--come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and i will give you rest.

and as simple as that, i believed.  i beleived that this wasn't a burden meant for me to carry.  i believed that i had help waiting to rescue me.  and through faith, i was able to give this burden up.  completely.  while trusting that nathan was in good hands.  

and from that moment on, i began to only focus on what nathan was achieving, which was only fair to him in the first place.  i decided to make up my own milestone comparison chart.  one that would only serve to benefit mothers positively.  not one of those charts that ask you how many words your child is saying by 12 months?  those charts are awful!!  unless you have that specific child that passes with flying colors...then i guess those charts aren't so grueling.

so, i made up my own little charty-chart.  how's this for a questionnaire checklist concerning your child:

is your child told countless times a day that they are loved?
does your child feel safe?
does your child get hugged and kissed so much that it aggravates them?
does your child laugh every day?
is your child happy?
does your child know that you are proud of them?

and here is my favorite question that you should ask yourself:
is your child's very best...good enough?

as long as you answered "YES" to all these questions...then you have nothing to worry about.  your children will be fine, i promise.  i just want raise great kids.  not the smartest, or the most athletic.  but great.  that's all that matters.

i'm so glad i'm not stuck in the other comparison chart anymore.  and for the record, my nathan talks up a storm, walks barefoot on grass, and loves the sandy beaches with all his heart.  he still has to work hard but he's the most determined little person i've ever seen.  i've never admired someone as young as him in my whole life.

he inspires me to keep climbing and he taught me that anything worth having, is worth working for.

he is due to start kindergarten this fall.  i have chosen to homeschool him since he has a late birthday and would be one of the younger kids in class.  given that he already dealt with delays, i'm going to be his advocate and give him the quality attention that i know he needs.  he loves to learn and i've been doing lessons with him at home since his late two's.  we work so well together and i look forward to watching his little mind take off and learn.

i've been searching out great activiites to keep sister entertained while i teach my boy.  when i test it out, it runs so smoothly.  she just wants to be a part too.

i'm very excited about this homeschool journey, as well as nervous.  but mostly, i'm confident.  i have peace about my decision and that is all i've been searching for.

the end.

pause button please.
christy